By J.D. Oxblood
There was one hell of a party in New York City Tuesday night. The city hasn’t been this unified in feeling since 2004 when Bush won for the second time and… wait, that was kinda unifying, but it wasn’t a GOOD feeling, just a generalized feeling of depression and suicidal tendencies. Ok, um, September 11th, 2001? Wait—THAT was mass panic, the fear that we were all going to die, and mourning those who did. Unifying, though…. Gotta be something better. How about the blackout? No—THAT was flash mass hysteria followed by an all-night party brought about by the relief that we WEREN’T being blown up again. When the British were forced out of New York in 1776? Ok—that didn’t stick. So perhaps it’s fair to say that the last hour of November 4 and the early hours of November 5 were a unique time in the history of New York. Bars erupted onto the streets as if it were the Bahamas and Junkanoo had come early. The above video was taken at the corner of too-cool-for-school and too-dumb-to-get-a-job (N. 7th and Bedford in Williamsburg, Brooklyn). In Union Square revelers were sipping from brown paper bags in spite of the cops leaning against the statue of George Washington. And the scene inside the bars was so delirious one could almost grab a strange girl and kiss her on the mouth, like that sailor in Times Square on V-J day.
Congratulations to everyone who voted for Our Main Man.
Those who were NOT celebrating may finally understand how the rest of us felt in Nov. ‘04 and Nov. ‘00. If I could speak to all the rednecks out there who are shitting their pants because a black man is at the helm, I would like to say I’m so sorry… sorry that your children might actually get some health care coverage someday, sorry that we might not bomb Iran next year, sorry that the majority of your country really wants to become a progressive nation that cares more about a melting economy, two failed wars, bin Laden and his ilk still scheming against modernity, and global warming than they do about gay marriage and abortion. For a country aspiring to emerge as a tolerant nation that has, for so long, been unable to stand up because of the shitkicker boot on its throat, feeling that boot beginning to lift is nothing short of transcendent for intelligent, well-educated, tolerant people everywhere.
But some questions remain unanswered.
How long before Levi Johnston totally bails on his wedding plans? “Uh… I was, like, willing to take one for the team, with your moms about to be vice-prez and all… but I don’ wannna marry you! You Wasilla trailer trash! I gotta be free!” (muttering under his breath) “Man, they had some fine-ass chicks down in St. Paul… I gotta get out of Alaska.”
The Presidential Puppy:
What kind of dog will Obama buy his little girls as a reward for putting up with his being on the campaign trail for the last two years? You gotta think these things through… Pugs and English Bulldogs are out—they’d remind him too much of McCain. German Shepherds might be offensive to Jews. Scottish Terriers—definitely out (W. has two of them), which kind of sucks considering that FDR had one, and Obama is definitely following in his “foot”steps. No Cocker Spaniels, either—remember Tricky Dick? What about a Dalmation for racial unity? I’d like to go on record as saying that I hope he doesn’t pick any small dog… it would be nice to have a First Dog that could actually kick some ass for a change. What’s the point of having a dog if it can’t bite Nicolas Sarkozy in the ass? Can we vote on this? How about a Newfoundland, like Ulysses S. Grant, or a Labrador like Bill Clinton? I’m in for the kind of dog that a self-respecting black man can be proud of. Like a Rottweiler. Oh—better yet—a motherfucking Pit Bull. That’ll drive Sarah Palin apeshit. And if you really want to underscore the similarities between you and that other skinny President from Illinois, name him Fido.
How long will it take for critics of Obama to start complaining that he’s half white? We know Jesse Jackson hates him, how long before he starts bitching that Obama’s mother was a honky cracker from Kansas? Will this become the linchpin that gives people of color a reason to hate one of their own who finally made it all the way up to the East Side? Since Obama has been channeling hope for all of us, I’d like to join him and hope that his white mom will give all the rednecks suffering paroxysms of cognitive dissonance pause. “Wait a goddarn minute… he’s half white! Mebbe this won’t be so bad!”
Or will all those frustrated rednecks just take off for the Great White North? For the last 8 years I’ve listened to frustrated liberals threaten to leave the country. “If Bush gets elected again, I’m moving to Canada!” Of course, none of those people left. Because liberals are pussies. Let’s face it, who would you rather have at your back in a street fight? A hipster lawyer with a fountain pen or a dirt farmer with a shovel? But if the core of “real America” is made up of lumberjack-shirt wearin’, do or die sayin’ hardcores soooo concerned about the future of “their” country, maybe they’ll have the balls to do what they did back in the day when the black people started moving into “their” cities: get the fuck out. And since we’re living in a global village now… may I suggest getting your own damn planet.
Did Obama get the blowjob of his life on Tuesday night? If anyone had it coming, it was him. If Clinton taught us anything, it’s that Presidents love blowjobs, which makes them… er, men. One thing we know for sure is that McCain didn’t get any head… he drank some prune juice, watched “Birth of a Nation” and went to bed. And Sarah Palin? Well, if we’re talking about blowjobs you know she doesn’t go down. If that girl knew the first thing about head she might not have 5 kids and maybe her daughter wouldn’t be another teenage pregnancy statistic. Biden—man, I hope so. After losing your first wife and daughter, you deserve to get some from a woman ten years your junior, and I still think she looks good even after seeing her in that unfortunate lime-green outfit.
But what I’m really getting at here is that, no matter how progressive and educated you may think you are, power is still the ultimate aphrodisiac. I gotta give it up for Michelle Obama, who will be the first black woman since Sally Hemmings to get some in the White House and the first ever to walk in the FRONT DOOR to get it. Feel me on this one—if your husband got elected POTUS I think you, too, would be absolutely aching to get him in the back room, get on top, and ride him all night screaming, “Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we caaaaaaan!” Get it, girl, you deserve it.