ASK ASTRID. Advice Columnists Are Made, Not Born.


Ask Astrid, burlesque emcee Miss Astrid's advice column logo

Burlesque Emcee Miss Astrid with pearls

 

Dear Miss Astrid…

Dear Miss Astrid,

I have a really big bush with coarse curly black hair and I HATE getting waxed and shaving leaves me all prickly, but I want to be smooth. Is there some option I’m not aware of that isn’t so painful or uncomfortable?

Hairy Cary
Virginia Beach

Dear Hairy Cary,

When I was a schoolgirl we all longed for the day when we would reach maturity.  Now women shave their vaginas so bald they look like plucked turkeys.  Why?  I suspect men have influenced them to get easy access.  Dont men have it easy enough?  They dont menstruate, dont give birth & pee standing up!  I like my vagina to be as deep and dark as the black forest itself, and if you want some mystery I suggest you adopt the same.  Additionally, manscaping is only for the homosexuals.  Only they have the clarity to do it right: either wax it all off or be a bear.  Straight men get a pair of clippers in their fumbling hands and give themselves a full body 5 0’clock shadow — insult to injury!

Dear Miss Astrid,

I once kitten’d for you and held your hand to guide you off stage. Will my hands ever be clean?

Sincerely,

Comrade Tang
San Francisco, CA 

If it kittened for me then it should know I am not to be looked at or addressed directly.  The “hand” it held was a prosethetic device I use when I am going to come into contact with animals that is coated in bat guano. You’re welcome.

 

Dear Miss Astrid,

I want to be beautiful like you but I have both my eyes intact. Is it wrong to wear an eye patch if I don’t really need one for medical reasons?

Margie
Staten Island

Dear Margie, 

My impedipent looks beautiful to you because I wear it with confidence.  Im sure you can use your own impediment to the same effect.  After all, Marilyn Monroe capitalized on her stupidity for her entire career.

 

Dear Miss Astrid,

My adopted brother Enrique just turned 14 and I think he is really hot. Is that weird? Can we go out even though I am two years older than him and he is my brother? It’s just that, I’m not sure if he is gay too.

ConfusED.
Somewhere in Milwaukee 

 

Dear ConfusEd,

There is nothing wrong with having gay sex with your underaged brother.  What is weird is living in Milwaukee. 

 

Miss Astrid’s mother was a Bavarian Princess.  Her father worked in a German freakshow billed as “World’s Tiniest, Meanest Man.”  Her mentor in singing and love was Sammy Davis Jr. The above qualifies her as an expert on everything.  “I already have an opinion.  You just don’t know it yet.”

Pearls of wisdom from “the true weimar fraulein” will be delivered on the last Friday of every month, and we welcome you to ask Miss Astrid anything you like. Email her at askastrid@burlesquebeat.com. You can also tweet her.  She likes that. Please address your question “To the Almighty Miss Astrid Von Voomer,” or “Dearest Miss Astrid,” or at the very least, “Dear Miss Astrid,” and sign your question with your name, city and state/country. Please. Let’s not piss her off. And remember, this is the advice you need—not the advice you want.

Ask Astrid. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem.

Photo ©Don Spiro and used by Burlesque Beat with express permission.

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