by J.D. Oxblood
To celebrate the saving of the Mermaid Parade by generous donations from supporters ($117k raised on Kickstarter), empty out your bank account and ask the teller to give it to you in singles. Using your favorite pasty applicator (Topstick, Flash tape, liquid latex, spirit gum) stick the bills all over your naked body. As you march in the parade, invite onlookers to peel off a single bill at a time. When you’re naked, jump in the ocean.
To ridicule the fact that the saving of the Mermaid Parade, which brought in 750,000 guests last year, was funded by only 2,486 backers, do the same as the above only steal the money from someone who has more of it than you do. Specifically: find one of those ballcap-wearing D-bags who’s at the parade every year taking photos of girls in body paint and never buying anyone else a beer.
If you haven’t managed to get quite “bikini ready” yet, consider going as a beach. Buy some big clear trash bags, fill them with sand at Coney, and tie them all around your body with rope. Not only will you look hilarious, but you’ll get a great workout walking the route.
—and wrap yourself up in them.
Alternatively: Buy the sheets, and cut out two heads of pearl divers and use them as pasties.
BETTER YET: Buy the sheets, cut out two heads of pearl divers, and wrap the sheets around you so that just your nipples are sticking out as pearl diver heads. Be sure to use sunscreen.
Cover yourself in honey. Roll around in a pile of Styrofoam peanuts. Tell people you’re that big floating trash island out in the ocean. Be careful around burning doobies—Styrofoam is flammable.
It’s not too late to make an amazing Mermaid tail using the soda-can pull-top chain mail method. Buy a hundred cans of beer or Coke, drink them, save the pull-tops, sew them onto something, make a tail. Totally easy. Fuck, it’s only Thursday—stop whining and start drinking.
I know—body paint is really expensive. So go to Coney Island on FRIDAY at 6 a.m. Take off all your clothes and lay on the beach on your belly. At Noon, turn over. Come Saturday, you’re a lobster—and it was TOTALLY FREE.
Eat some psychedelic mushrooms, or eat a lot of cannabis-laced baked goods. It won’t matter what you look like—you’ll feel extra awesome.
IDEAS TO AVOID:
Anything Sandy-related. Look, we all like to laugh at our misfortunes—and a lot of people like to laugh at others’ misfortunes (these people are commonly known as “assholes”)—but it was too soon at Halloween, and everyone did it anyway, and now it’s just too late. Sandy sucked, is still sucking, and let’s just leave it alone.
AND take it easy on people named “Sandy.” That hurricane-naming shit fucks everybody up. Right, Katrina and the Waves?
For more Heee-larious tips from J.D. Oxblood, check out his piece on bringing burlesque into the bedroom…