ASK ASTRID. Advice Columnists Are Made, Not Born.

Ask Astrid, burlesque emcee Miss Astrid's advice column logo

Burlesque Emcee Miss Astrid with pearls


Dear Miss Astrid…

Dear Miss Astrid,

What’s the best way to apply a merkin and how the fuck do you keep it on?

Minnie Tonka
Brooklyn, NY

Dear MT,



Dear Miss Astrid,

I have decided to be a lesbian for summer 2013. I am having fun, but I have a problem. I am a femme and I love my long sharp manicure. Do i have to cut my nails to please my new girlfriend?

Lil Miss Lixx 
Brooklyn, NY

Dear Lil Miss Lixx,

With that name it was just a matter of time. Lixx, I feel your pain. Once I had a lover who was very bothered that I store my razors in my vagina. He was like, “I am so scared my penis is going to be cut to ribbons in there” and I was like, “Razor blades in my vagina is *my thing*, you’re just not seeing *me*.” So, “do you”, Lixx. Besides, just as you are enjoying your summer of dogs and dildoes, I am sure your girlfriend is enjoying you being witholding and turning no’s into yeses.


Dear Miss Astrid,

I have a very sweet dog, Dido, that I found in a shelter a few years back. We do everything together. He brings me so much joy everyday. He is still young but I cannot help worrying about him dying and the huge pain it will cause me when he is no longer a part of my life. I dont know if I can live with this pain. Do you have any suggestions?

Dido’s Dad 
Anywhere, USA


Dear DD,

This is about your dick isnt it? Although it may be a sad day for you, believe me, when you put “Dido” down it will be a great relief to your neighbors. And close your windows. Thanks.


Miss Astrid’s mother was a Bavarian Princess.  Her father worked in a German freakshow billed as “World’s Tiniest, Meanest Man.”  Her mentor in singing and love was Sammy Davis Jr. The above qualifies her as an expert on everything.  “I already have an opinion.  You just don’t know it yet.”

Pearls of wisdom from “the true weimar fraulein” will be delivered on the last Friday of every month, and we welcome you to ask Miss Astrid anything you like. Email her at You can also tweet her.  She likes that. Please address your question “To the Almighty Miss Astrid Von Voomer,” or “Dearest Miss Astrid,” or at the very least, “Dear Miss Astrid,” and sign your question with your name, city and state/country. Please. Let’s not piss her off. And remember, this is the advice you need—not the advice you want.

Ask Astrid. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem.

Photo ©Don Spiro and used by Burlesque Beat with express permission.

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