ASK ASTRID. Advice Columnists Are Made, Not Born.


Ask Astrid, burlesque emcee Miss Astrid's advice column logo

Burlesque Emcee Miss Astrid with pearls

 

Dear Miss Astrid…

Dear Miss Astrid,

My day job found out that I like to take off my clothes, but I don’t know if I can handle my coworkers in the “audience.” Any advice?

Carlos Danger
Staten Island


Dear Carlos “weiner” Danger,

People say there are no second acts, but I see a big one for you. Of course you cannot be the mayor of Coney Island either (that position is taken by a bigger Dick) but I see you making it big in that part of Brooklyn. Show your stuff at Burlesque at the Beach, start a line of hotdogs called Tony’s Weiners. Say, you could even create a very unique and fulfilling new kind of hot dog eating contest.

Good luck! And thanks for not being

A. my husband, and

B. the mayor of NYC.

 


Dear Miss Astrid,

I fantasize during sex with my husband. Is this bad?

Sincerely,

Lourdes Lordy 
Montreal, Canada


Dear Lourdes,

It is totally normal for a woman to fantasize that they are somewhere else during sex. I always do.

 

Dear Miss Astrid,

I am charged with throwing a bachelorette party and everyone is expecting it to be off the wall, because I am involved with burlesque. Can you give me some ideas of a great bachelorette night out?

Thanks,

Girl Next Door

 

Dear Door,

No.

 

Miss Astrid’s mother was a Bavarian Princess.  Her father worked in a German freakshow billed as “World’s Tiniest, Meanest Man.”  Her mentor in singing and love was Sammy Davis Jr. The above qualifies her as an expert on everything.  “I already have an opinion.  You just don’t know it yet.”

Pearls of wisdom from “the true weimar fraulein” will be delivered on the last Friday of every month, and we welcome you to ask Miss Astrid anything you like. Email her at askastrid@burlesquebeat.com. You can also tweet her.  She likes that. Please address your question “To the Almighty Miss Astrid Von Voomer,” or “Dearest Miss Astrid,” or at the very least, “Dear Miss Astrid,” and sign your question with your name, city and state/country. Please. Let’s not piss her off. And remember, this is the advice you need—not the advice you want.

Ask Astrid. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem.

Photo ©Don Spiro and used by Burlesque Beat with express permission.

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